I thought you were lying at first. That you were pulling my leg for an attention. But it was real, wasn't it... "I don't love you anymore", feels like coffin slabs... every word of this.
I remember saying "OK" and turning my back and walking to the main street looking for a cab, while weeping silently. You were shouting my name but I didn't, couldn't turn back. Perhaps you want to ease your conscience by telling me why's and when's and who's... but I didn't care, I still don't.
My home was in a mess 4 days after I broke up with you. Uneaten corn flakes was on the desk, gathering and feeding a small colony of flies and whatnot. I woke up, semi-sober but willing to make it gone by the night, and turned on the computer. I checked my mails, perhaps looking for your mail adress but there weren't any. I deleted spams while thinking about the past... I mean why did it happened? I was a good lover wasn't I... seems I wasn't... but I think killing blow was my own doing. I thought you were cheating on me so I retaliated. Retaliated... what a word huh? Funny, it feels like success but actually it's a whole failure through and through. It means you acted on rage, anger and pain... it's in that order. I fucked that 18 year old buck whom I had met in a bar. Told that I was an artist, and I was, and can make her famous as anything. So we drank and laughed and went to her place and I fucked the hell outta her. I wrote a note to her, including my cell number and went out.
I was feeling smug... the day smelt like newly minted money. All settled and all balanced! Sunshine was good and warming my heart and body. I whistled while coming to home and you asked "Honey, What's the matter?" I shrugged... "Nothing sweets... It feels like a job well done" You see I told you that I was working late on a friend's project. You didn't suspect anything. I ate a full breakfast and kissed you afterwards, feeling satisfied and won... maybe. But now you are with someone else and I am... I feel broken, beaten and battered.
The girl who I didn't know her name called me that day, while working on a photo. I answered the buzzing phone. "Yeah?" "Hello Jonathan" I looked at the number it wasn't recorded, "Well, you know me, who are you?" "I'm Sandra." "Sandra?" "The girl you bedded last night..." memories were unfolding and I stood speechless for a moment "Y... yeah Sandra. What can I do for you?" She giggled "Nothing, you silly. Are you up for another rig tonight?" I should have said No. But I didn't and went... saying another lie to you... and this went until she took an eliza test and resulted positive. And yeah... I didn't protect myself... and told that to you. I could see your heart was broken beyond any recognition, and I understood... there wasn't any man in your life... never was and is. I said I'm sorry I thought... you shrieked at me, clawed my face and sobbed.
We drove to hospital without uttering a word. I parked and we went to the bloodtest laboratuary. They took our blood and sampled them. You passed clean and I got what I deserved.
I'm writing all this for you Jen. After I finish, which is pretty much now, I'll go to the medcab and take any pills I can manage. I'm sorry honey... but that can't change anything now can it...
Good bye
Jonathan.